Age is just a number and our emotions affirm the same. Who says that only a toddler or a teenager needs a mother? Who says I'm old enough now, I don't need a mother to take care of me. Irrespective of the age we all need both our parents as long as we live. Although I admit it is not practical, but losing a parent does makes one so vulnerable that one tends to think of the impossible praying for a miracle to happen.
I miss being in those arms where I was the most secure. Those arms which comforted me in my lows and showered me with unconditional love and affection in every situation. From holding her hand to clinging onto her arm as I grew older, I would follow her wherever she went. Aai has always been available for Shrinal and me 24x7.
She has been my idol ever since childhood, someone whom I used to look up to and adore her for the way she took care of Daddy, me, my lil brother and made our house into a warm and cozy home. She was the perfect home maker and Daddy resonates with me whole heartedly. I have grown in a family where Aai has always been available for us and has been taking care of our every need. So, I had always aspired to being the perfect wife, mother and home maker just like my Aai.
Now, this is by far and large looked down upon. I have experienced people ridiculing me for not having any aspirations in life with respect to my career. Nowadays, the chores which used to be performed by a home-maker mother are replaced by the home staff who takes care of everything that a mother does.
Everything can be bought but not the 'time' a mother can give to her home and family. That cannot be replaced by anyone. It bothers me to see how home makers are looked down upon in this commercial world, as these days one's success is valued only by the status and the commercial value one holds in the society.
Nevertheless, my idol has created a deeper impact in my life than the society at large. My Aai was a super woman for me. A woman who was happy in her little world of her husband and children. Who would spend her free time reading or doing some kind of art work which would keep her occupied throughout the day. I have been living in a fairy tale world build by my Aai till I found how Aai was wronged by people who claimed to care for her. The picture perfect world around me shattered as I was exposed to the bitter truth of the real world around me.
The world collapsed for us when we found out about Aai's illness. Reality glared at us as we saw the faces behind the masks. This is one major complaint I have with Aai. She was too naive to see through people. Would trust easily. As she never spoke ill about anybody, It was an unpleasant discovery as I grew older. I became all the more vary of the people around me.
We had lost Aai the moment we realized that she was forgetting things. Aai was suffering from Dementia and Parkinson. That tore us apart. My family was devastated. Aai was physically with us but still wasn't. We had lost her the moment she stopped recollecting things and trust me it's is the most painful, heart wrenching feeling when your mother fails to recognise you.
I would avoid crying before her but would always break down in isolation. It tormented me to see her in this condition. Gradually I started reducing my meeting with Aai coz seeing her in this state was killing me every day. I was selfish. I was wrong. I was escaping.
I would pray to God to relieve her from her sufferings. Release her from the ones who have caused her pain. Although I was praying this, I knew this time I was not selfish. I needed Aai but she was not there for almost a decade. Having someone only physically with you does not make sense. A person has to be with you emotionally, mentally as well as physically. That's with one's mind, heart and soul.
God listened to me this time. Aai left us on 10th August 2020 to go to a place where she must've got what she deserved. A better place to live. However, I still long for her to hold me close and say, "Don't worry, I'm there. "
I still need her !!!
