Pondering Reflections - No.1

As I walked down the familiar stretch sensing the usual annoying happenings around, I couldn't help but visualise 'cockroaches'!!!

The disgusting, repulsive, abhorrent, loathsome creatures had taken a human form in front of me as they ran helter skelter towards me, by my sides, even behind me, jostling each other, or even walking as though the others did not exist. 

 I was at the railway station attempting to cross the 1 minute stretch which easily takes about 5 minutes for me everyday. Yeah, every minute is precious when you have to take a specific train to reach on time which is extremely important for me. I would have been able to take my train had it not been for these irritating creatures lacking basic civic sense. 

Being methodical myself, I am adherent to a disciplined lifestyle and any amount of indiscipline or incivility annoys me. Why couldn't these cockroaches be more like the ants I thought. Have you ever seen a colony of ants travel from one place to the other??? They always walk one behind the other in a disciplined line. Why can't these cockroaches learn to be more disciplined and imbibe some civic sense? Some never change and will never grow as they do not see it as a possibility not only to improve individually but also as a social responsibility towards the society. 

As I was descending the stairs, I saw one cockroach fast approaching me as though I did not exist. It was a close shave as I nearly managed to escape from colliding into him. No sooner did I heave a sigh of relief, in a brief moment, I saw that there were about 5-6 more cockroaches who were heading towards me. Once again, I managed to step aside in order to avoid a stampede. After being shoved around, and recovering from the fact that I could have easily tumbled down the stairs, I finally managed to reach the platform only to see that I had missed my train ! 

An identical situation is seen on the roads. Drivers going on a rampant spree, driving recklessly on a road full of vehicles is a daily sore sight. We have no traffic discipline in India. Be it a highly qualified person driving his vehicle or an uneducated person, the outcome is the same. Education has no role to play. All that was taught in school goes down the drain. The sufferers are the handful who are disciplined, following the rules and maintaining civic sense. However, being in the minority we are incapable of changing the system.

 Looks like these poor underprivileged folks had not been to school coz' as far as I recall, we have been taught the basic discipline that while descending the steps, a person is on the left of the stairs and the ones ascending are on the right. While ascending the stairs the person is on the left side of the stairs and the person descending is on your right... however, in a straight line! Well, isn't that basic? Am I expecting a bit too much of civility from them? 

Just the other day I happened to come across a video somewhere in Japan or China where I could see discipline embedded in almost every individual. Be it in a crowded street or on the ecsalator or even entering the trains, the kind of discipline they have is incomparable. It is impossible to expect that from Indians. Changing the system might take centuries or might never happen and from what I see, situation is worsening day by day and to our disgrace, education these days has no role to play where civic sense is considered in Indians.

Passion Hunt !!!

“What is it that you are passionate about?” 

This is a question that has been posed to me several times by my buddies, during our intimate discussions. However, I have not really answered that question and to my astonishment, not even to myself!

 Oxford says that ‘Passion’ is a very strong feeling, especially of Love, Hate or Anger. Well, my greys have given me the opportunity to experience all these emotions very strongly! However, besides love (only the romantic, ‘conditional’ one), the rest do not qualify as ‘passion’ for me.

Passion is also a value that holds significant meaning to you, or an activity that you enjoy doing. Going by that theory too, it is difficult for me to pinpoint any one ‘passion’ that I pursue. Being a Jack of all trades, I’ve dabbled in writing, dancing, singing, anchoring, painting, modelling, organizing events and acting, too. However, despite this exhaustive list, none of these activities could qualify as my ‘passion’. 

Some people are so sorted that they don’t need to rack their brains while talking about their passion. Pat comes the reply, and I’m amazed so see how defined their thought process is. Some common answers I came across were cooking, gardening, gymming, dancing and singing, to name a few. However, I still could not zero down to even one activity I am passionate about!

Passion being a very intense emotion, I realized there’s one thing that builds a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement for something in me. Voila! I found my Passion (or so I thought) - it’s building Relationships!!! Romance comes first to my mind, but it’s not only the romantic relationship that I’m talking about. I would sum up all relationships in general. It could be a relation with an old school friend, or an attachment to a classmate who I didn’t even know in college, but has now turned into a Soulmate! 

It could be my cousins, with whom I’ve spent my childhood, or even long-lost cousins whom I’ve met after decades. Also, my immediate family or my extended family of relatives and friends, and even my community on the whole! Is connecting with my friends, relatives, and all those acquainted with me, my passion?? Or am I just deriving false pleasures out of the relationships I'm attempting to build? 

Technology has been a blessing, and I’m happy to have utilized it to the fullest. It all began with the social platform ‘Orkut’, where I met some of my old school and college classmates. I couldn't call them friends, because that’s not what they were back then. They were just classmates, but thanks to these social networking platforms which helped me build relations, they have now become ‘friends’ in the true sense. This has got me going, to connect with more and more classmates, acquaintances, long-lost relatives, etc. 

It was an addiction, but again - can I call it my ‘passion’? 

Is bringing everybody together my passion?

From being instrumental in gathering a handful of school friends to create a group which has now crossed over a hundred, to creating groups with my cousins and extended family (not only on my maternal side but my in-laws as well), and from gathering friends from my neighborhood, to the community I was born in - The Pathare Prabhu clan, I have done it all! 

The reason? It just ‘feels good’!

I feel elated with the sense of belonging. The camaraderie shared amongst the group members, gives me an adrenaline rush. My soul feels happy, and I’m filled with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. 

Perhaps this has got something to do with my past life…

However, this happiness is not consistent. Seeing most of them not reciprocating my feelings, some even being averse to the thought of connecting with their peers, relatives, community folks etc., and even those who prefer being reticent and choosing not to interact with or get associated with others, preferring isolation instead, deflates my enthusiasm to continue. The reasons for their indifference and detachment remains unknown. 

This flip side deters me, and then I begin to wonder whether it is even worth the effort! 

As I said, not all relationships are reciprocated in the expected manner. People do not take the other at face value. Suspicions, jealousy, hatred, being judgmental, assumptions etc., are all instrumental in hindering the culmination of a beautiful relationship. Lack of interest shown by the other in developing a bond, limits and restricts the passion within, which eventually leads to disappointment and failure to build a good relationship. And, a good relationship can never be one-sided. This does not serve my purpose of getting people together, and attempting to develop a bonding between them and building a healthy, harmonious society. This thought itself is far-fetched, and more of a dream. 

Unbelievable and impossible, nothing short of a fantasy!

The realization dawned on me, that I’ve been living in a fantasy world and in love with my dreams. No wonder, they seemed so perfect and surreal!  

So, does it mean I’m passionate about my Dreams? 

Well, I’m still trying to find the answer to the question, “What is it that you are passionate about?”!!!

Case 2 - Shattered Dreams !

She was evidently struggling for words as I sat across her, waiting patiently for her to start speaking. She was probably trying to recollect all that she had rehearsed on her way here, finding the right words. In the interim, the tear-stained face was doing all the talking. I mechanically handed over a glass of water to calm her. With trembling hands, she took hold of the glass taking sips while the brain was still working on how to express. 

Realizing she had undergone tremendous mental trauma, I tried to make her comfortable by explaining that we have come across worst experiences. So, she need not hesitate and encouraged her to speak her heart out. She finally got a grip of herself and then the saga unfolded. 

It was a love marriage and she was no more than 25. She had met him through a common friend at a party. It was an instant connect and she was blinded by his sheer persona. She had been smitten by his charm and found him to be extremely caring and attentive towards her. He was studying in the US and had come down for a vacation. He was to return in a fortnight to complete his education following which he would be taking up a job. 

Mobile numbers were exchanged and lo and behold !!!.... from the very next day, they had started dating. Now, that was too soon I said to myself. Perhaps it is the generation leap I have yet to come to terms with I thought. A fortnight later he left for US and their communication was only through whatsapp chats and video calls. He graduated and got a job. The romantic exchange of words continued over audio video phone calls.

Within a year of knowing each other he had proposed to her, and she jumped at the thought of marrying the one who had swept her off her feet.  As she lovingly (still) showed me his photograph I realized what had got her attracted to him. Yes,  he was all of good looks, good looks and good looks!!! 

One look at her face and she was still admiring him with a forlorn look in her eyes. She had still not come to terms that it was all over between them. 

I had to bring her back to the present and the story unfolded.... With the consent of both sides of the family they had got married in the fanciest weddings ever. It was a destination wedding; and the families had generously arranged the most lavish weddings with the mehendi, cocktail party, wedding,  reception, et al. The middle-class strata could probably run their monthly expenses out of the cost of their one wedding card. Such was the grandeur!

She left with him for US, looking forward to a romantic married life with the man of her dreams. However, within a few days of marriage, all her dreams were shattered. Within a couple of days,  she noticed that he was spending a lot of time with his friends drinking, leaving her alone at home. She was scared being alone in a massive house as it was her first time staying all alone in a foreign country. 

He continued with the lifestyle he had lived prior to their marriage. She observed that he would often answer calls secretly and speak only after going away from her. She had ignored this behavior in the initial days but as this became a routine, it had raised alarm bells. Was there another woman in his life was the first thought that came to her mind. 

He was clearly hiding something from her. He would spend exceptionally long hours in the washroom and would not even reply when she would knock on the door out of concern. Once when he did not get out of the wash room for long, she had got frantic and started banging on the washroom door. She saw that he was furious as he opened the door.

Still, she gathered courage and asked him the reason for the long hours in the washroom. But he in turn got extremely violent and slapped her hard across her face.  She was stunned with the sudden blow. Not expecting him to react in this manner. She knew he was hiding something in the bathroom and tried to peep but he caught hold of her arm and literally dragged her away. His anger was uncontrollable as he kicked her in her stomach with his knee. She was left with black and blue marks on her arms, immense pain in her stomach and her cheek which was stinging with the hard blow.

The following night she thought she could win him over and pacify him with love. She tried to get intimate with him and attempted to make him understand that they were now married, and he should be spending time with her. This was it!!! He was not used to being told what to do. He wanted to live life his way. Thereafter the nightmare began as he shoved her roughly on the bed and demanded unnatural sex. When she refused, he once again slapped her across her face, pinned her arms and forced himself on her. There was no love in that act, it was an animal act!!! She was shaken, petrified of the man she loved.

Then came the revelation as he rolled out the joint from a pouch which was well hidden and smoked up. She sat there weeping inconsolably with the unbearable pain from his inhuman behavior. He then jabbed the butt of his cigarette on her thighs before he went for her once again. She was being sexually assaulted! He was an Animal !!! 

She was clearly terror stricken as she recalled this incident. The tears were now unashamedly flowing down the cheeks. She had started dreading when he would return home at night as this had become a regular practice for him. There was no love in his actions as every night he would come home in an intoxicated state and force himself on her. The act was so painful that she had bruises all over her private parts. If she would try to talk or discuss this with him, he would get furious, and she would have to face the aftermath every night. He had warned her not to tell this to anyone and this torture continued for almost a fortnight before she could gather guts and convey her condition to her parents. 

They were only in the 2nd month of marriage and hence she had been avoiding sharing this with her family members with the hope that he would change. But then the mental, physical and sexual torture was too much to bear. He was not only an alcoholic but also a drug addict and she could not bear to live with such a man under the same roof. The good looks did not matter now. All she could see was the demon within. Her dream of a happy married life had already been shattered. With the help of her parents she had returned to India, trying to find a way out of this abusive relationship.

Case 1 - He needed to break free !!!

After hearing his side of the story, I calmly wondered if he had something more to say. Something that would make me feel that he still wanted her in his life as the marriage was just about 2 years old. Honestly, at that point of time I was hoping that a reconciliation would work but the look in his eyes said it all. There was a dull sadness in his eyes and as he shared the details of his traumatic life, I could not agree any less that he would be better off without her. 

It was a major mistake on his part and now he had to pay the price for it. It had been the typical love at first sight for them both and they claimed to be madly in love with each other. Anybody else did not feature in his life as his world revolved only around her. The sweet 17-year-olds had been too daft to believe they had found the love of their life. I said to myself, "Obviously, it was mere attraction you fool." However, I kept that to myself as I was all ears to know what made him realize that it was not love in the first place. But one thing was certain... the once upon a time fairy tale romance was up for wraps.

They had been courting for a good 7 years before they decided to tie the knot. Following their marriage, the initial few days was the honeymoon period where they enjoyed their newly married life. But the honeymoon period waned off pretty soon as there was nothing more to discover about each other 'outwardly' as they had supposedly 'known' each other for 7 years. However, they were yet to discover the 'real' person they had married.

The problems started once they started with the daily routine. Throughout their courtship period she had gotten used to his complete attention. He had been prioritizing her over his family, friends, relatives. Back then he would make excuses to meet her and was at her beck and call. He was so as to say 'in love' with her and wanted to spend his entire time with her. However, now that she was living with him and his family members, she wanted him for herself alone. She wanted his complete attention and was not willing to share him with anybody else. He became an obsession for her, and she started throwing tantrums if he would spend time with his family or friends. 

Inorder to avoid the disharmony in the matrimonial home, he gave in and started following her dictates so that she does not get angry and make life miserable for him. He found this to be an easy way out. He stopped meeting his friends and distanced himself from his family and relatives with the belief that she loved him immensely and hence she was not willing to allow him to share his time with anyone else. 

She started imposing restrictions on whom he should meet, whom he should talk, whom he should spend his time with. Initially he agreed, trying to keep her happy as she had claimed to be in love with him and had married him. He was obliged. Well, I tried not to react to that and kept a straight face. Ok... so he felt he was obliged to her for whatever reasons and hence he had borne her dominant nature for those 2 years of married life. 

He then tried to justify his love for her by claiming that she has been a good housewife. She has been taking care of the house besides doing very well in her career as she was climbing the corporate ladder swiftly. She was bringing in the money at par with him and dictated terms enough to have the final word. He was realizing that the girl he had fallen in love with was not the one who was trying to make him dance to her tunes. 

She started to pick up quarrels on petty issues. His mobile phones used to be monitored. The woman did not even have the decency or manners not to check his friends' group messages. His phone would practically be in her hands most of the time. If he had to attend even an official dinner, she would call him every hour to check up on him if he had left for home. Eventually he started attending as a formality but would leave immediately before she called. He was not permitted to meet his friends as she would not like to see him spending time with others besides her. Eventually he had to find excuses to refuse meeting his friends. She had one condition though. He was allowed to meet his friends only if 'she' was invited and where she wasn't invited, she would make it a point to go uninvited if he desired to go. She was playing with him emotionally, but he did not know that these were the signs of an extremely insecure person. She demanded his exclusive attention ... clearly an attention seeker. She was having psychological issues. 

She was a Narcissist!!! 

But these things did not come to light when everything seems hunky dory in college. He had enjoyed and was basking in the attention he was receiving from her. Initially he had believed this to be love, thinking that she did not want to spend a single moment without him. However, this behavior was soon becoming toxic. She was becoming toxic in his life. He felt suffocated with her constant scrutiny and follow ups. She was being over possessive beyond reason. The girl whom he had fallen in love with did not exist anymore coz he had not seen this side of her back then. Although a person changes as per the role they play in different situations, the nature of a person does not change. 

He needed peace in his life. He realized that he cannot continue to live with a person who is so imposing, dominating and self-obsessed. Even if he considered giving their marriage another chance, it was unlikely that a person who is so self-obsessed would change her behavior. She was sick. She needed to get over herself and learn to respect him. If she claimed to love him, she ought to respect his choices, his decision and moreover set him free. She needed to give him space for him to respect and fall in love with her once again. 

However, he was determined to get rid of the woman he once claimed to be deeply in love with and be set free.  

He could not live with such a woman and ruin the rest of his life. 

He had made up his mind. 

He needed to get his space.

He needed to break free!!!